Thanks!

Thanks for the much needed encouragement everyone!

I haven't posted in a while and I still feel like I'm right on the edge of going into another deep depression.

As much as I try to fight them, my fears keep coming up. I keep thinking about how far I fell when I left New York City and I went into a very deep depression. The depression lasted for several years and I gained over 100 pounds. I just checked out of life for 3-4 years.

That cannot happen to me again. I cannot let it. But I'm feeling the same way I felt then.

I am very cognizant that I am in danger. I just have to keep fighting.

As far as my health journey goes, I've been eating healthy about 1/2 the time and eating total crap the other 1/2. I've been going to the gym every day----mostly because of my son----but I'm going. I'm still doing yoga with Tracee. I've still been doing my Happy Face stickers on my calendar everyday. (I LOVE that system!!)

And thank God for Discovery (www.discovery-training.com). Last weekend was Discovery weekend and I got a MUCH needed boost.

As long as I continue to stay connected as much as possible, I'll come out of this just fine. Isolation is my biggest enemy right now.

Back from the gym

My 16-year-old son helped pull me up today and got me to the gym.

I did not want to go at all. My son had spent over 5 hours at the park today playing basketball. So I thought that was going to be my excuse to not go to the gym. I thought he would be too physically exhausted to care about going today.

But right when he got home he said, "Okay, when are we going to the gym?"

I started with the excuses and he saw right through me.

"Do you really think you need to go after playing basketball for 5 hours?" I asked.

But before I could even finish the sentence, he said with a smile, "No, no. We're going to the gym. I'm not giving up on you, Mom!!"

And with that, I knew there was nothing else I could say.

"Okay. We'll leave in 15 minutes," I said.

We just got back. I'm glad I went.

Falling

So I am really falling.

The last couple of days, I haven't worked out at all and my eating has been terrible.

I feel like I'm at a real crossroads here. I am in serious danger of falling into a deep depression following the lay off from my job. I am in danger of not only ending my journey towards health and fitness, but I'm in danger of GAINING more weight and becoming worse.

I HAVE to get back up and make sure this only lasts a few days. The longer I let it go, the harder it will be to get back up. It's already harder. Each day it becomes harder.

This is when I need to reach out and ask for help.

Doing okay

Despite my job layoff on Monday, I'm still hanging in there with the health and fitness stuff. I'm not doing as well as I would like, but I'm giving myself some slack this week. I've been pretty emotional---just going up and down.

But I HAVE gone to the gym every day this week. I'm on FOUR days in a row. I also did yoga on my regularly scheduled Tuesday and have it scheduled again for Thursday.

I'm slacking off a bit on the food----I've had one meal each day that I wouldn't even WANT to know the calorie count. But the other times I'm still eating healthy.

No, it's not perfect. But for right now, it's okay. I'm giving myself some slack this week.

I am keeping up with my "Happy Face Reward" system, as you can see by the photo!

I have lots of yellow and red smiley faces----for going to the gym and taking my multivitamin. I have one pink one for yoga on Tuesday and one blue happy face for drinking 64 ounces of water (that was today!).

I haven't earned one yet for no fast food (purple---I'm including unhealthy restaurant food in that, as well, which is what has got me). And I haven't earned one yet for 5 servings of fruits and vegetables (green). I'm determined to earn both of those at least 1-2 times this week!! I've got 3 days left!

Tested

I just THOUGHT I was tested the other day when I wanted to use food to numb my negative emotions. But this will be the REAL test.

I was laid off from my job today. I didn't see it coming. I thought it was maybe a possibility further down the road---a few months maybe if things didn't change, but I never thought it would happen this soon.

You know what I want to do? Stuff my face. And not with carrot sticks and broccoli. I want ice cream, brownies, cookies, mexican food---the greasier and higher calorie, the better.

Would that make me feel better? As a matter of fact, I think it would. And it's a good thing I didn't have any of that in my house, because I would have already demolished it.

So I'm very cognizant of the fact I want food to make me feel better, which is NOT its intended purpose. Nor is it healthy for me to use food in that way.

I'll try to refrain the best I can, as I go through this difficult time.

P.S. Anyone know of a job opening?

Happy faces

In an effort to motivate myself to stick to my plan as often as possible, next week I'm beginning my new "Happy Face Rewards" system.

Getting stars and happy stickers works to reward kids for good behavior and Weight Watchers uses "star" stickers to reward their members. I know when I was in Weight Watchers, I LOVED getting those stars and felt really empowered when I looked at how many I had received.

So beginning Monday, I'm rewarding myself with happy face stickers. For each day, I can earn up to 6 happy face stickers---each a different color. Here is the "Happy Face Sticker Code"---what I have to do that day to earn that particular happy face sticker.

• Yellow---Work out at the gym--cardio and weights
• Blue---Drink at least 64 ounces of water
• Purple---NO fast food for the day
• Pink---Do yoga
• Red---Take a multivitamin
• Green---Eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables

I'm using a wall calendar that can fit all 6 stickers on one day's square.

A few months ago, I used a similar method. I drew a big heart around the days on my calendar that I went to the gym. Then I LOVED looking at the month overall and seeing how many hearts I had all over the page! The heart meant---I showed love to myself that day by making time for myself and working out. It was definitely a motivator.

So I'm hoping this will help motivate and reward myself, too!

New workout shoes

I got new workout shoes this week!

They are glittery and sparkly and a kind of futuristic looking with the shiny metallic silver all over them.

The workout shoes I had been wearing were over 7 years old. They were actually in pretty good shape considering how old they were. Of course, that's mainly due to limited use over the past 6 years!

I'm hoping my cool new workout shoes will make me more excited to go to the gym!